I've heard (and practiced) that when you're upset, it helps to write things down. You can list them and burn them, or write a letter and throw it away, or do whatever you want with it. I like to do that when someone posts something super offensive on facebook or something I don't agree with. I just don't hit the "send". I am writing things down, but since this is a "this is my life" blog rather than a "I only do awesome things, don't we look perfect" blog, I'll post instead of throw in the fire.
A lot of things are bringing me down. I felt compelled to list them because of number one on my list
-I am too upset to sleep, even though I have to be at work 2 hours early.
-The top of this is my job is going away, and it is really getting to me. I thought I'd be doing that job forever, but corporate 'murica did the corporate thing and push aside people THINKING they'd save a few dollars, without the proper research. I have no idea what I'm going to do. None. I've pretty firmly decided it isn't worth it to take a full time sales job because the hours are awful. When something that significant in your life, the whole direction you were headed in the future, it really makes an impact.
-My manager is hiring new people and interviewing, even though there still is no final word on the head count. Those strangers are taking me and Natalie's job if we both end up wanting part time work. That is super douchey. We have made him aware of our feelings. He laughs and says we'll be fine, but he did the same laugh before the announcement of our jobs leaving.
-I'm mad that new jobs want to pay you $12 an hour to run their entire business. No thanks. That won't pay my bills either.
-My stress level is causing me to snap at the kids. I hate to see Sawyer's face when I do that because I see it hurts his feelings. He is at that awful stage where he does things like throw his toys and when you tell him "no throwing toys" he will toss one about 6 inches just to test you. I fail the test.
-I hate standing so long at work because we have to wear nice shoes. It hurts. I tend to start to lean on the counter by the end of the day because they hurt so bad, but then I got a written warning that leaning looks unprofessional when done in front of the sales counter, even though in ergonomics training we are encouraged to lean on it if we are behind it to eliminate fatigue. Go figure.
-I hate Andy's job. He has to go in super early, and gets home at least the same time but usually later than me. He stays overnight once every week or two in Burlington, and when he comes home he only has time to make dinner, barely makes in on his run on training days, and just falls asleep in the chair the rest of the time. He's also grumpy a lot.
-I have been so stressed/angry/annoyed/upset/etc. lately but Andy hasn't even noticed because he's too consumed in his own stressful job. He hasn't even asked how I feel.
-I keep seeing all these shows on international house hunters where people just up and move. I wish we could up and move to a new country, but I feel like we've got ourselves stuck now with a house and children and Andy's job.
-I keep wanting to use this no-job thing as an opportunity to do something new but I have no idea what to do and it makes me mad I can't even come up with a "dream" I'd want to aim for. That says something pathetic about me if you ask me.
-I thought Andy was going up to change to go running since Sawyer said "daddy's going running" but I found him sleeping on the bed a half hour later. His job is the kitchen and he left the dinner out to go bad and didn't wash the bottles. I'm mad I had to do that and put the kids to bed. He didn't even say goodnight or let me know why he was going up. All he said at all was "did you even like dinner?" but I was overwhelmed with the kids and working on my friend's pictures and that's why I didn't say anything about how it was good.
-I wish I could afford to send the kids to a preschool daycare. I like the girl we have to use, but her son scares me. Today I arrived and he was waving a knife around like a ninja. Not a kitchen knife, but one with jagged edges that was in a protective case that was probably his dad's. His mom freaked out and didn't know how he got it. He also stabbed his brother with an epi pen somewhat recently. He and Sawyer are "best buddies" but they fight a lot and I'm worried. My kids stay there and I have no choice because we can't afford to send them anywhere else.
-I was checking Andy's phone to make sure his alarms were turned on (they weren't so I did it for him) and checked his text (yes, invasion but we're married) because I wanted to make sure he didn't tell his coworkers why I didn't want to go camping because it was embarrassing. He tells one of his female coworkers often that she's his best friend. I'M supposed to be his best friend. He has even once told me that she called him that once and it was weird to him. If it's so weird, why are you calling her that back and bringing her coffees? It hurt my feelings to read that.
-In a related note, he also says "i love you" to that coworker. He doesn't send "bad" texts that it worries me, and I like her a lot, but there's something heart breaking about seeing your husband tell another girl he loves her. I shouldn't be jealous I know, (I am really not the jealous type) but I don't go running around telling anyone I love them, I'd especially not say that to a guy.
-I had a huge plan of running a half marathon to lose the baby weight. I have only been able to run like 5 times. I have been too exhausted after work, and never have time because Andy has to go train for HIS runs. Plus by the time dinner's done it is dark and we don't have sidwalks around here that it's pretty dangerous to run in the dark. This has been a huge disappointment to me, and seeing myself is a constant reminder. I can't even play rugby because of Andy's work schedule. I can barely run 2 miles now and so I have to sell my marathon to my friend.
-I can't budget to save my life and it is terrifying me since we will be out money in a few months.
I can't think of any more off the top of my head right now, but that's probably good.
It is much too late and I'm going to try to force myself to sleep since I have to be at work at 7:45 (after dropping the kids off 40 minutes away.)
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